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Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/16/2010 9:53:11 AM
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blessedladyany
Posts: 4
Joined: 7/16/2010
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I'm in trouble and I think I created it when I married a pastor.
I have been married six years and have 2 children. My husband pastors a large and rather popular baptist church. Since we married, my life has been a terribly lonely and bitter experience. My husband's first priority is his ministry and works about 12 hours every single day. When he's home he's distant and cold. We have not had sexual relations for almost three years because of his limitations. We're both in our late 30's. Most nights he sleeps downstairs watching murder mysteries.
Not sure why he married me, I've tried everything. I've tried being super submissive assuming that would help. I've tried several hairstyles and workout to keep my weight down to become more attractive to him. Nothing makes him spend time with or around us. I don't nag or even complain. Nothing works. Church people make comments during Bible study about his schedule and offer to help so he can be with his family. He says "God's work" is his priority. Some people tend to be kind to me to compensate. They take me to lunch and give gifts. I have NEVER complained or even shared ANY of my private life with anyone in the city. People just know.
His first wife (I am 2) lived the same way I am now. While dating he said he neglected her. She ended up having an affair in the church and broke his heart. In some ways, I feel I pay her "bill". I think he doesn't want to trust again. I don't know. I just know I cannot take this much longer. I cry often because I worry I made a monumental choice to marry him.
He is unsympathetic to our family, and treats us like nothing more than a Sunday morning accessory. It's almost like he married me quickly because he needed to so something.
I have decided to take a full-time job to begin transitioning myself toward independence. I cry when I think of myself in my 40's and 50's and this miserable.
Please give me scriptural advice. Also, prayers.
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/16/2010 10:06:33 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 4011
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Your husband does not meet the Biblical qualifications for church leadership.
He is not "managing his family well" as required, but his lifestyle is actively destroying it. Who is your husband accountable to? You need to start the process for confronting another believer on sin. If you haven't done that already, the starting point is to lay all this out before him, in a loving and respectful way. If he is unmoved, you move up a step and bring in one or two people to confront him. If that isn't effective, then it needs to go to the church "government" as an issue of unrepentant sin. I think you will probably end up going to this point, sadly. On the intimacy issue alone, there is something very, very wrong with a man who prefers sleeping in his basement for 3 years when he has a willing and loving wife. 
If you don't have a healthy or trustworthy church government who will hold him accountable, I would suggest that you get in touch with New Life Ministries for help working through this.
_____________________________
 Moo
"Yup, I'm in agreement with Maggie here on all of this" Manda, April 2010
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/16/2010 10:11:23 AM
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juanler
Posts: 193
Joined: 11/9/2009
From: Maryland
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If he's a horrible husband, he's not a great pastor; he's in direct violation of God's Word.
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/16/2010 10:23:21 AM
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Liveloved
Posts: 2109
Status: offline
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You are My servant. I have chosen you and not rejected you.
Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:9c-10
blessedladyany,
I'm listening and I'm praying. . . and these are the words the Lord led me to speak to you.
You are His.
You are His chosen one, just as Mary, the favored of God.
He longs to bless you!
Your cares are His cares.
Do not fear.
The Lord is with you, in the midst of your home, and in the midst of your marriage.
Don't anxiously look for answers or solutions to your problem. Many of the 'answers' you would find would come from the world and not be His.
The Lord your God will answer you!
He will help you.
He promises strength to the weary. He will supply you in your need.
His help is on its way!
Yes, surely you are being held in His righteous right hand.
Your image is inscribed on the palms of His hands!
He cannot and willnot forget you.
Your heart cry is heard.
Choose love. He did. He does.
Your love will be met by mercy.
Praying for you precious one, Liveloved  
_____________________________
Liveloved
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/16/2010 10:59:51 AM
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bolt.
Posts: 2318
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
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Yes, you need to speak to his sin and call him to repent and choose to live well before the eyes of his God. That is your duty as someone who is Church with him, even if you are his wife -- especially since you are his wife. Speaking to him about his sin is an action that is motivated by love for him and the desire to see him set free from it.
The sentence you need to learn is, "When you <do something> you sin against me <and the children, if applicable> by disobeying the Lord's command to you that you should <quote the verse, and it's reference>. Your continual sin against me/us is bringing pain and distruction into our family/marriage. Sin does that, and you are doing it to us. You need to resist the temptation to sin against me/us this way."
For example: "When you are distant and cold around us, you sin against me and the children by disobeying the Lord's command to you that you should love your wife as you love yourself in Ephesians 5, and that you should bring up your children in the nurture of the Lord in Ephesians 6. Your continual sin against us is bringing pain and destruction into our family. You need to resist the temptation to sin against us by treating us this way." He'll say he's supposed to put the Lord's work first, and you can just answer that you don't know about that, and that he needs to make his own life choices of course, but that you know that this behaviour is in direct violation of Scripture, and that any godly man needs to find a way to live in line with the commandments of God regarding his family.
Another example: "When you deny me a relationship that involves sexual intimacy, you sin against me by disobeying the Lord's command to you that you should fulfil your marital duty to your wife, and only abstain with my consent, in 1 Corinthians 7. Your continual sin against me is bringing pain and destruction into our marriage. You need to resist the temptation to sin against me by treating me this way." He'll say that a man shouldn't have sex if he doesn't feel like it, and he doesn't feel like it. You can answer that's fair enough for a few days, but unless it's medical, there is no reason that he should avoid finding a way to obey God in this area of his life.
Since you are his wife, and the kinds of sins being comitted are kind of vague, it's fair enough for you to keep making these little speeches for a few months, or as long as you are comfortable. (When you make these speeches just say what you have to say, then refuse to say much more on the topic -- don't fight or nag.) Maybe he will begin to change and renew his comittment to godly ways of being a husband. Maybe he won't -- but at least you've informed him of the stakes at hand.
If it becomes clear (over time, or by his responses) that he does not care if you think he's engaged in ongoing sin against you and the children, then it's time to do the rest of the Matthew 18 proces. You need to carefully select 1 or 2 other Christians -- preferably not family members, and maybe not congregation members. People who you know well, who you trust, who are not gossips, and who can possibly help in the area of marriage and family issues -- it's best to have both a man and a woman if possible. Ask these people to come with you to hear what you need to say to your husband about his ongoing sin against you and the children, and to hear his response, and to try and help if they can.
Speak to your husband in their presence, saying, "Many times I have let you know when your choices to be cold towards our family violated Scripture and are sins against us. I want to know if you intend to abandon those sins and begin to learn to husband and father in a goldy way, or if you intend to continue to treat us with neglect and disdain. Will you repent of your ongoing sins against us or not?" Listen to his response, have a bit of conversation if that seems healthy (not an angry attack), then say, "Thank you, your have made your point of view very clear. I'd like some time to think, pray and talk with these folks."
If it seems to you that he wants to abandon his sin and seek a new way, let him know that marital counseling must be a part of his repentance, or you will not accept that he is really interested in resisting the temptation to do things the old way.
If he seems defensive, and just wants to go on doing what he has been, that means he is engaged in unrepentant ongoing sin in his lifestlyle, which he fully intends to continue, in direct contradiction to Scripture's commands.
At that point, you and the others from the previous stage need to make an appointment with the elders of your congregation (or with the higher-ups just above him in the denomination -- or both -- whatever seems wisest to you). As them to ask him to come to the meeting. At that meeting, speak to your husband just as you did with the one-or-two witnesses. Be prepared to answer the elders/other's questions honestly and with a level head. They need to figure out if he really is engaged in unrepentant ongoing sin in his lifestlyle, which he fully intends to continue, in direct contradiction to Scripture's commands.
They might or might not agree that that is the case. They might or might not respond in good ways. They might or might not try and tell you what to do to help him not feel like sinning against you so often. They might do a lot of things -- that's their call. You don't need to worry about them doing their jobs. Just realize that once you have brought your husband's lifestle to the attention of the Church as best you can, that sets you free, Biblically, to intiate a marital separation when/if you choose (in order to seaparate yourself from an unrepentant sinner, and the effects of his sin on you and your children). At that point, you can remain faithfully married, but living apart until/unless your husband repents, abandons his sin, and rebuilds your trust in his love for you.
That's the Bible's answer to your situation. I hope it helps.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/16/2010 1:25:50 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2740
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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(((Blessedladyany)))
I'm so sorry, dear one; this is not how God wants a man to treat his family. The others are right - he is not a great pastor because he is blowing his family life. He is sinning against you and the kids and is a weak spot for sin to grab. Please listen to the other posters as they are giving you great advice.
quote:
I'm in trouble and I think I created it when I married a pastor.
Stop right there. God holds each of us accountable for ourselves; there's no way you can force your husband to sin (and he is sinning). You're not holding a gun to his head to make him do this, it's his choice. It was his choice in his first marriage, too, when you weren't there to "make" him do anything.
The devil loves making people think they are guilty for doing things they aren't responsible for, because they will forever try to fix something they have no power over. His amusement over your agony goes on and on. Cut it off.
quote:
Since we married, my life has been a terribly lonely and bitter experience. My husband's first priority is his ministry and works about 12 hours every single day. When he's home he's distant and cold.
This is what elders are for. Start with Matt. 18: 15-17: Go to your husband and tell him he is sinning against you and the children. If he refuses to repent, go back with 1-2 elders or mature Christians from your church (Gal. 6:1) and ask him to repent again. If he still refuses, let the elders deal with him. If they are men of God who know the Word, they know what to do. If they aren't, you'll get no help from them probably. If their response is for you to shut up and put up, they don't know the Bible very well. Your husband is unfit for leadership and they should be able to tell that in less than 5 minutes of your story. They are obligated before God to start church discipline, to clean God's house.
What are your husband's sins?
- he has emotionally and spiritually abandoned his wife. Eph. 5:25, 28
- he is not leading his family (numerous places in Scripture) Ps. 43:11, 1 Tim 3:1-5
- he is not raising his children in the reverential awe and training of the Lord Ps. 103:13, Prov. 22:6
- he is not intimate with you 1 Cor. 7:5
- he is not cultivating your spiritual life Eph. 5: 25-28
1 Tim. 3:2 says he must be above reproach - that means no one can point to any sin or fault in him.
quote:
Most nights he sleeps downstairs watching murder mysteries.
- he is selfishly misusing his time while his family suffers from his neglect.
quote:
Church people make comments during Bible study about his schedule and offer to help so he can be with his family. He says "God's work" is his priority.
This is not a figment of your imagination - others have spotted the problem and are trying to help. I really hope your elders have the guts to deal with this. I say guts because a more accurate anatomical reference might stumble someone.
quote:
Some people tend to be kind to me to compensate. They take me to lunch and give gifts. I have NEVER complained or even shared ANY of my private life with anyone in the city. People just know.
You have been very wise to not gossip - God bless you. Telling the elders is not gossip, because gossip is sharing information to those who are neither part of the problem or part of the solution. The elders are the solution in church discipline, once you've twice asked your husband to repent.
quote:
His first wife (I am 2) lived the same way I am now.
Then he has been the husband of two wives - he is disqualified from leadership. That the elders allowed this doesn't speak well for them or him.
quote:
While dating he said he neglected her. She ended up having an affair in the church and broke his heart. In some ways, I feel I pay her "bill". I think he doesn't want to trust again.
Then he had no business remarrying until he was ready to emotionally be healthy.
quote:
I don't know. I just know I cannot take this much longer. I cry often because I worry I made a monumental choice to marry him.
It didn't work out well because he wasn't emotionally over his first wife and he is sinning against you and your children (apprently just like he sinned against his first wife. He's a slow learner). If the elders are weak (God will judge them for not fulfilling their duties) then the church has a situation that could destroy it. God tells us to deal with sin so it doesn't grow. This could and likely will eventually affect the entire church, and is the kind of thing that can blow it out of the water.
The third stage of church discipline is to take the sin of the sinner before the church. If the elders won't deal with him at first confidentially or at all, then I would stand up in church and ask him to repent of sin against his family in front of the entire congregation. Leave the kids in the nursery that day.
If he brushes you off, get up and walk out. Don't be surprised if others walk out with you. It may take others a while to think things through and realize the pastor has badly failed and they need to vote with their feet. Some people just don't think or don't care, and they'll be happy with anything.
A church either deals effectively with its sinners or collapses under the weight of that sin. The Apostle Paul chewed out the Corinthian church (1 Cor. 5 the whole chapter) for not dealing with sin in the church, and said sin is like the yeast that will leaven the whole loaf. Your whole church is at risk because of your husband. It's his fault, not yours, and he has to deal with it. God doesn't take sin in the church lightly, and neither should anyone in your church. You are faultless in this matter; do things God's way and let God deal with how it turns out. I'm sorry you have to face this; be strong and courageous and let God fight for you. Church disclipline is God's way of rescuing sinners or cleaning house.
quote:
I have decided to take a full-time job to begin transitioning myself toward independence. I cry when I think of myself in my 40's and 50's and this miserable.
If your husband is sinning (and he is) and refuses to deal with it when you do the church discipline of Matt. 18, it could very well cost him his job (HIS FAULT if he refuses to stop sinning, not your fault!) and it looks like he's already abandoned his family emotionally. He is not loving you. Church discipline is God's remedy for sin in the church, and the leadership is where it is most important because God says a teacher incurs a stricter judgment. James 3:1 Don't be afraid of using God's way to deal with sin - He told us to do this - it is obeying God to do this. It will either bring your husband back to Godly ways or expose his refusal to live Godly. It's all his choice and his fault if he chooses poorly and selfishly.
Ideally, he will be brought to see that he has sinned against his second wife as well as the first and against his children (he's not there to love and train them) and he will fall on his face before God (just like the rest of us have to do when caught in sin) and repent publically. What happens after that I don't know, but he's going to need some counseling and accountability to some Godly man or group and time to learn how to do it right.
He might be restored and save his marriage, or he might keep up the lying act and end up alone. At this point alone is where he is headed, and it's because he refuses to be a Biblical husband and pastor. He's lying to the church people about who he is. He's representing himself as a leader in God when he is lying about his family. He can't be a leader for real when he is lying (that's sin) about not loving his family (that's sin, too).
I'm so sorry, dear. I'm glad you're getting a job; it may become necessary if he refuses to quit the lying act. I am praying for you all. The elders need to do surgery on your husband (they might refuse), and if they do, your husband might refuse. You go do the right thing.
But the gig is already up - some church people know that things are not well at home and they won't be taken by surprise. I suspect they are privately praying for you, too, and will be supportive of you. You haven't done anything I can see that brought this on you nor do I see any sin in you. You've conducted yourself properly. Now it's time for Matt. 18 to save your church and maybe your husband. Godspeed.
Praying for Blessedladyany, her children, her sinning husband and their church. May God be gracious and make this end well with rejoicing in His grace. I'm looking forward to your husband saying, "I used to be a terrible husband and pastor, and by God's grace He is healing me and rebuilding my family and the hurt I caused my church. Please forgive me, all of you, and pray for me as I rebuild my life. May God be glorified!"
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/16/2010 3:42:45 PM
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Scottinla57
Posts: 62
Joined: 12/27/2008
Status: offline
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Unfortunately this seems to be a fairly common problem in the church, a pastor takes his duty to serve God to the extreme and he falls into the sin of neglecting his wife and family.
To reiterate deermousie’s scriptural reference read:
quote:
Eph. 5: 25-28
and
Colossians 3:19
1 Peter 3:7
_____________________________
Keep deception and lies far from me, Give me neither poverty nor riches; Feed me with the food that is my portion, That I not be full and deny You and say, "Who is the LORD?" Or that I not be in want and steal, And profane the name of my God.
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/16/2010 11:35:31 PM
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relady
Posts: 626
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Greater St. Louis Metro
Status: offline
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My dad very nearly lost his entire family putting "God's work" (read: church) before his family. Fortunately, somewhere along the way, God spoke to him and reminded him that he created the family before he ever created the church (my dad's words) and that to neglect his family was just wrong and a sin of immense proportions. He learned some balance and it's a good thing. I think my mom was very close to leaving....
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/17/2010 12:44:21 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1231
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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It makes me wonder why a pastor of a large church with
elders/board-members/staff (or whatever you call them) haven't had a
meeting with your husband about the long hours he's putting in at church and
being away from his family so much? If other church members have noticed this, surely his support staff are aware also. It amazes me they haven't said something or put him on notice about his conduct ---
Especially when there have been far too many ministers in the news lately who have been messing up/having affairs/defrauding the church etc.
Then you go to the board/elders etc.. if you have tried talking with your husband
about him being away to much and his lack of affection/love for you and the children.
If he's not responding to your pleas then you talk with the board or elders.
< Message edited by jaimestarcross -- 7/17/2010 1:09:12 AM >
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/17/2010 10:18:22 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2740
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross
It makes me wonder why a pastor of a large church with
elders/board-members/staff (or whatever you call them) haven't had a
meeting with your husband about the long hours he's putting in at church and
being away from his family so much? If other church members have noticed this, surely his support staff are aware also. It amazes me they haven't said something or put him on notice about his conduct ---
Especially when there have been far too many ministers in the news lately who have been messing up/having affairs/defrauding the church etc.
Then you go to the board/elders etc.. if you have tried talking with your husband
about him being away to much and his lack of affection/love for you and the children.
If he's not responding to your pleas then you talk with the board or elders.
Right.
I told my DH about this thread, and his comment was, "How much do you want to bet there are no elders?"
Because if there were, they would have sat the pastor down before and talked to him about this. Like, during the first marriage. Or else there are elders but they aren't doing their jobs.
Look how few churches practice church discipline.  It's God's way of keeping the springs pure, so to speak, but so many churches pride themselves on their tolerance, and they are tolerating themselves into ineffectiveness for God and centers of sinful behavior. 1 Cor. 5 shows it's wrong to tolerate sin in the body of Christ, the Church, and it can destroy the individual churches.
May God raise up Godly leaders who have the guts to implement God's ways, all of them, and be part of turning our countries back to God.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/17/2010 12:22:18 PM
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Liveloved
Posts: 2109
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Liveloved
You are My servant. I have chosen you and not rejected you.
Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:9c-10
blessedladyany,
I'm listening and I'm praying. . . and these are the words the Lord led me to speak to you.
You are His.
You are His chosen one, just as Mary, the favored of God.
He longs to bless you!
Your cares are His cares.
Do not fear.
The Lord is with you, in the midst of your home, and in the midst of your marriage.
Don't anxiously look for answers or solutions to your problem. Many of the 'answers' you would find would come from the world and not be His.
The Lord your God will answer you!
He will help you.
He promises strength to the weary. He will supply you in your need.
His help is on its way!
Yes, surely you are being held in His righteous right hand.
Your image is inscribed on the palms of His hands!
He cannot and willnot forget you.
Your heart cry is heard.
Choose love. He did. He does.
Your love will be met by mercy.
Praying for you precious one, Liveloved
blessedladyany,
Thinking of and praying for you this morning.
Psalm 68:6a tells us that God makes a home for the lonely.
He will make and be that home for you.
Seek the Lord. Draw close to Him and He will draw close to you.
Believe that He has heard the cry of your heart and IS answering your prayer.
II Peter 3:1-2 says In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
Being submissive to your husband is to respond to him as you would and do to the Lord Jesus.
No, he may not be living or loving like Jesus, but you are to respond to him as you would to Jesus.
This is winning behavior. He will see it. And certainly the Lord will see it and bless you for it.
It is not the easy way. The Lord's way rarely is the easy way.
But it is the path to blessedness, blessedladyany.
Your husband may be won without a word by your behavior, by your responding to him as you would/do to Christ.
Love him like that.
Seek out Jesus as the friend who sticks closer than a brother.
I will be your friend.
You can PM me if you want to share more. I will listen.
I am praying and believing that God is designing an answer to your prayer that is exceeding abundantly beyond ALL that you or I ask or think!
He is and will. He is that great!
You are His beloved. Rest and be refreshed in His love, Liveloved
_____________________________
Liveloved
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/17/2010 1:33:17 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 2318
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
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Hmmm... I wonder how I would respond to Jesus if He were in consistent unrepentant sin against me and my children... wait... that can't be right! Being married does not make a man into a god. That would be idolatry. Your husband deserves the respect of personal dignity and the love that confronts his sin, just like every other member of Christ's body. If he were not in Christ, treating him with respect and dignity (and remaining together as long as he kept his vows) would be enough. Because you are Church with him, you owe him more. Do not let his sin destroy all you, your children or the Church that looks to him.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/17/2010 3:08:31 PM
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crankius
Posts: 3340
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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I'm sure you recognize how your husband is not meeting the Biblical qualifications for being an elder. You see it, others can see it, but he doesn't. You can't change his opinion or his desires--only God can radically change a man's heart.
I'm sure you pray and cry out to the Lord. (((blessedlady)))
Do your best to follow Matthew 18, as others have advised. You know your husband...pray for God's guidance and carefully consider the right way to address the wrongs, and I'm confident the Lord will give you guidance far superior to any human guidance.
Emphasize your commitment to your covenant with him, and explain your priorities as 1-Lord, 2-marriage covenant, 3-children, 4-others. Help him know you are devoted to these priorities and seek his accountability as your husband. Repent of any wrongs you have done. See if he is also willing to humble himself before the Lord in the same way so that you may have a Godly marriage.
And then if he doesn't repent, seek the counsel of one or two trusted witnesses (preferably Godly men he respects), and explain your intentions to your husband to follow Matthew 18:15-18 (also see 1 Timothy 5:19-20).
quote:
In some ways, I feel I pay her "bill". I think he doesn't want to trust again.
I don't think this is true. His problems are in HIM. His pattern of neglect hurt his first wife, and now it is hurting you. He needs to get grounded in the Lord and have God set his priorities in order.
If I could advise your husband, I would tell him to remove himself from ministry and devote himself to the Lord, his marriage, and his children.
Churches come and go, but his marriage covenant and his fatherhood are for a lifetime.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
God's Attributes
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/17/2010 8:40:22 PM
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jn1010lf
Posts: 698
Joined: 4/20/2005
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Hello blessedladyany
It seems to me that your husband is into religion. If he really was led by the Holy Spirt, God the orginal romanticist, would inspire him to show love and affection toward you. I think you need to confront him on this. He needs a wakeup call and ministry. This man had emotional problems and is drowning himself in his work.
This sound harsh, I know, but he cannot minister effectively in his frame of mind. The men of the church need to get help for him and pray that the Lord will soften his heart.
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/17/2010 10:56:31 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 736
Joined: 7/13/2007
From: The South
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
Hmmm... I wonder how I would respond to Jesus if He were in consistent unrepentant sin against me and my children... wait... that can't be right! Being married does not make a man into a god. That would be idolatry. Your husband deserves the respect of personal dignity and the love that confronts his sin, just like every other member of Christ's body. If he were not in Christ, treating him with respect and dignity (and remaining together as long as he kept his vows) would be enough. Because you are Church with him, you owe him more. Do not let his sin destroy all you, your children or the Church that looks to him.
 Completely agree with this.
Part of being a helpmeet means we must hold our spouses accountable when they are living a life of unrepentant sin. True love will speak out and do what's best for the husband instead of keeping quiet, staying "submissive", and brushing it under the rug. The op has been doing that, at least to a certain degree, for years now and it hasn't produced any good fruit. In fact, it's probably allowed more room for this man's sin to increase.
And I don't think you are "paying her bill". He was probably just as neglectful to his first wife as he is to you.
_____________________________
Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/18/2010 5:15:58 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2740
Joined: 9/26/2007
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"Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye?
"You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."
- Matt. 7: 4,5
It doesn't sound to me like this wife has a log in her eye, so she is free to take the speck out of his eye.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/18/2010 8:42:02 PM
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prophet
Posts: 780
Joined: 4/19/2005
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quote:
His first wife (I am 2) lived the same way I am now.
Hes not qualified to pastor a church.........
_____________________________
Create in me a Clean Heart, O Lord.
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/18/2010 9:58:58 PM
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daughter_of_faith
Posts: 1240
Joined: 1/10/2008
From: Great Plains, Kansas
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: prophet
quote:
His first wife (I am 2) lived the same way I am now.
Hes not qualified to pastor a church.........
Several have pointed this out; however, this is not the point of the thread. Furthermore, his first wife had an affair which is adultery. This is a Biblical reason for divorce. Whether he should be in Christian leadership or not isn't what we should be discussing. That would be a discussion more for the One Stop Thread about Remarriage after Divorce.
You definitely have my prayers, blessedladyany. As far as scriptural advice, others have made the recommendation that you confront your DH about his "neglect" towards you and your children. This is the Biblical first step. If he doesn't listen to you, then you need to take a witness with you for a second discussion. This is how we are to handle problems with the family of God. (((hugs)))
It sounds as though you have made your own plan though as you said you are working a full-time to work your way to independence. If so, it does sound as though you are prepared to leave your DH. This may be to your benefit as a (temporary) separation may be just what DH needs to realize his mistakes. I'll be praying.
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/18/2010 10:12:30 PM
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crankius
Posts: 3340
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
That would be a discussion more for the One Stop Thread about Remarriage after Divorce.
He is currently disqualified because he is not managing his household well. He is not loving his wife as Christ loves the church, and thus, is unfit to be an undershepherd to the church Christ died for.
This is why I said that he does not meet the qualifications for being an elder, and that he should remove himself from the ministry.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
God's Attributes
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/19/2010 9:12:05 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 4035
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross
It makes me wonder why a pastor of a large church with
elders/board-members/staff (or whatever you call them) haven't had a
meeting with your husband about the long hours he's putting in at church and
being away from his family so much?
Um - you do realize that some boards REQUIRE this level of church work or they fire the pastor?
quote:
ORIGINAL: crankius
I'm sure you recognize how your husband is not meeting the Biblical qualifications for being an elder. Perhaps this is why many groups do not list the pastors as 'elders.' They can get around all those qualifications.
_____________________________
Avatar is my son Caleb and Leah on their wedding 12/20/09
=======================
Winner of 2010 "best in "He Says"
=======================
Our CD is available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/19/2010 9:26:32 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1553
Joined: 5/23/2006
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You have been given good Scriptures. Have you sat down and talked with your husband about this telling him what you have said here? That is the first step. Unless he is willing to get into counseling with you and work on your marriage I don't think you have a marriage. He clearly has no clue on how to be a husband and leader in his own home.
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/19/2010 10:40:39 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2740
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DaveW
quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross
It makes me wonder why a pastor of a large church with
elders/board-members/staff (or whatever you call them) haven't had a
meeting with your husband about the long hours he's putting in at church and
being away from his family so much?
Um - you do realize that some boards REQUIRE this level of church work or they fire the pastor?
Good point. That's why Christians need to be better trained in the Bible, so they know to avoid unbiblical churches like this. If the pastor showed up Sunday morning to an empty church, it would fix his problem quickly and the board's problem as well.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/19/2010 12:17:37 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 2318
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
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quote:
Um - you do realize that some boards REQUIRE this level of church work or they fire the pastor?
People who "require" their pastors to behave unbiblically... tend to end up with pastors who are not ver interested in the Bible. A lose-lose plan, but at least they tend to fail fairly quickly -- one way or the other.
Pastors who are interested in living and preaching the Bible would not accept a call to such a Church gathering, (unless it was in an attempt to reform their thinking by preaching the Bible).
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/19/2010 1:09:21 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2740
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
Pastors who are interested in living and preaching the Bible would not accept a call to such a Church gathering, (unless it was in an attempt to reform their thinking by preaching the Bible).
Excellent point, Bolt.
It's a dance, like two dysfunctional people marrying.
The cure: apply God's ways (read about them in the Bible).
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Great Pastor-Horrible Husband - 7/20/2010 10:29:44 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 4035
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousiequote:
you do realize that some boards REQUIRE this level of church work or they fire the pastor? Good point. That's why Christians need to be better trained in the Bible, so they know to avoid unbiblical churches like this. If the pastor showed up Sunday morning to an empty church, it would fix his problem quickly and the board's problem as well. I was in a band years ago with a violinist Glenn Basham. His late father was a pastor and author and said once how in a congregation he pastored (Disciples of Christ) when his kids were young that he had to keep all the shades drawn and the garage door closed whenever he was home or people from the congregation would be lined up at the door 24/7 to see him. They paid him and believed that fact should make him available at all times day or night. Making it look like they were not home was the only way he could get any family time at all.
_____________________________
Avatar is my son Caleb and Leah on their wedding 12/20/09
=======================
Winner of 2010 "best in "He Says"
=======================
Our CD is available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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