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RE: HELP!!! Need sound advice!!! - 7/28/2010 9:21:27 PM
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manda59
Posts: 7378
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From: Hampshire, UK
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Gabby
Has she had any contact with her father at all since he left? Does he spend any time with her?
Just one thing from what you said: I am not wanting to discuss spanking itself, as there is a one-stop thread for that. But I would like to say that I think she, at 11, is way too old to be spanked, and that spanking at this age could easily do more harm than good.
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"What Manda said; well-stated and wise." deermousie, September 2010
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HELP!!! Need sound advice!!! - 7/28/2010 9:29:46 PM
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pink..
Posts: 10519
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From: Indiana
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Gabby, I am sorry for the struggles you are going through. Quality time should be done regardless of behavior. Does her father have contact with her at all?
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RE: HELP!!! Need sound advice!!! - 7/28/2010 11:07:12 PM
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VanDuzer
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quote:
but she has told me things like I want to be as skinny as my aunt, who is 14, or she will say she doesn't think she is that pretty...I tell her she is beautiful and made in the image of God...
This is exactly what I'm talking about. My daughter is 12 and worries that her legs aren't smooth enough??? Just crazy stuff!! She is in a private Christian school, and those ideas don't come from there or this home! My daughter doesn't think she's pretty either (and she is), not skinny enough (she's fine), etc. It leads to depression, anger, etc....that's why so many girls have eating disorders, self esteem problems, etc. It's also why a lot of grown women do too!!! The point I'm trying to make is, even though you tell her she is beautiful....society teaches differently. Don't take your daughter's comments lightly. They're real feelings that a girl is experiencing, they just don't know (or have the capacity yet) to fully process it all. It breeds a lot of anger, self hate, and resentment.
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RE: HELP!!! Need sound advice!!! - 7/28/2010 11:08:16 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 2318
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
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quote:
one issue is the whining when she has to put something away or the "in a minute" any suggestions on that?
Teach her to "whine" without whatever element of that self-expression that bothers you. Is it the tone? The vocabulary? The childishness? Or is it the truth of it?
If it the fact that she doesn't like chores/tasks that bothers you, I think you are out of luck. Nobody likes chores, especially chores/tasks that you have to do immediately, on someone elses agenda. There is no reason that you should want her to hide her feelings and pretend to be cheerful about the crummy parts of life. Her honesty about her negative feelings is foundational to her ability to trust you.
However, there's feelings (which are always welcome) and then there's the way in which she expresses her feelings. Some ways of expressing yourself are not OK -- when she does one of those, ask her to wait a minute and think through what she was trying to say, and think of a possibility of a phrase that honestly conveys the same reaction, but in a more conversational and pleasant way. Teach her to say things like, "I'd really rather not, but I will if I have to."
Say, "I think you meant..." and then ask her if she wants a chance to say something like that, or if she'd rather have the consiquences of whining. Give her a chance to restate her feelings in that better way, then move on as if she had said that the first time. If she'd rather let the whine stand, say, "Because you whined about <an object> you have lost a privilidge related to that object. That's what happens to things you whine about."
As for "in a minute" -- that's easy! Offer her the minute she wants, before she has to ask for it. Neither of you needs to be stressed out for the sake of 60 seconds.
Every time you ask her to do something that really needs to be done pronto, say, "Honey some time in the next 2 minutes, I'd like for you to <do whatever>. I'm checking my watch now. If you decide not to start doing it in a minute or two, I will do it myself, but you won't like the results."
And, as far as "in a minute" goes... how many things actually need to be done in such an immediate time frame as the next minute or two? Can you imagine being employed at a job with expectations like that? Just a boss with random ideas of what you should be doing, and the minute she speaks you have to drop everything and get right to it?
Yes, sometimes it's nessisary, but often it's not. Often people want instant responses out of their children becasue they find such a response either convenient (for themselves and their agenda) or they find the response personally affirming. If that's your struggle, I'd like to encourage you to set those factors (which are impatience and/or pride) aside and give reasonable response times on tasks that are not in and of themselves genuinely urgent. Show your daughter the consideration that you would show any adult that you were supposed to be leading -- she'll respond wonderfully to the dignity of it.
So start most of your requests (which she has the freedom to choose not to do, if she's OK with the consiquences of her choice) with a wide but difinite time block, "Some time before 5:00, I'd like you to..." -- "In the next 2 hours, I'd like you to start..." -- "Before the next time you need to leave the house, I'd like you to be finished..."
Again, all this courtesy is for the purpose of making a strong distinction about where "the problem" is. Continually affirm to her that "the problem" is not between you and her personally, but that it simply has to do with her choices and the unhappy results of some of them. Make sure she knows that it is your hope that she will not have to deal with such unhappy consiquences very often, but that even while consiquences are going on, nothing (not even her anger) disrupts the flow of unconditional love from you to her. As she deals with her big emotions, make sure she can see the compassion in your eyes.
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RE: HELP!!! Need sound advice!!! - 7/29/2010 12:49:43 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2740
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: VanDuzer
I will even propose that that concept is so ingrained in many of you ladies, that you don't even recognize it. She hasn't lost everything!!!!! In fact, to place Gabby at the end of the sentence phrasing it as, "but you", is condescending from my perspective.
I'm afraid I must respectfully disagree here with my Brother in Christ. A child's greatest source of security comes from the love and commitment between the two parents, and this 11 year old is a helpless child. Her father has abandoned her mother and her, as far as she knows. Her secure world just blew apart.
So she's lost the security of her parents' love for each other and her father's love for her. If he was the family provider, she may be concerned that soon she and her mother will be on the street and starving with no one caring what happens to them. You can bet she is frightened out of her mind.
Remember, too, that when a family breaks up, kids often are so ego-centric that they believe it's their fault, and they bear an enormous load of (false) guilt.
quote:
As a man, my mother is "everything" to me. She is a source of validation, however men have the luxury to find that in many other areas
You are an adult. She is an 11 year old child.
Maybe economically and certainly emotionally she has just been cut off at the knees. Her family is her support; she can't go out and get a job, a new father and a new home life. She is a half-formed person who still needs training, and some of that training is how to relate to men that's based on how her father relates to her. He just taught her a terrible lie and pounded the lesson in with a sledge hammer.
I feel so sorry for the mother, but my heart greatly pities this now fatherless child. May God be very gracious to both of them.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: HELP!!! Need sound advice!!! - 7/29/2010 5:51:58 AM
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LAVANYA.BALLA3@GMAIL.COM
Posts: 16
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Praise The Lord sister,
i can understand your problem,because i am also a single parent of 4 yr old boy.so i can understand how you feel when you can't help u r daughter in that stage.but trust in our "LORD" who is in our side now.our complete family is with him now.please tell your daughetr that she has a great daddy always watching her from above,and invisibly living with her.Thank you.
if you want to talk to me and want to share more u r problems and feelings please remeber me.i will give you my blog address.
christian mothers-creators of new heaven on this world
GOD BLESS YOU.
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RE: HELP!!! Need sound advice!!! - 7/29/2010 9:17:37 AM
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Gabby777
Posts: 193
Joined: 7/9/2010
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
Gabby
Has she had any contact with her father at all since he left? Does he spend any time with her?
Just one thing from what you said: I am not wanting to discuss spanking itself, as there is a one-stop thread for that. But I would like to say that I think she, at 11, is way too old to be spanked, and that spanking at this age could easily do more harm than good.
She does see her father when it's convenient for him...I am starting to have her stay with him every other weekend, but it hasn't been a whole weekend yet...
_____________________________
Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
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RE: HELP!!! Need sound advice!!! - 7/29/2010 1:10:02 PM
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dzehm007
Posts: 125
Joined: 7/27/2010
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You're welcome. Let me know how it works out. Getting a "big sister" for her, may help her deal with situation.
_____________________________
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. -Isaiah 40:31
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RE: HELP!!! Need sound advice!!! - 7/29/2010 1:43:47 PM
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Gabby777
Posts: 193
Joined: 7/9/2010
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LAVANYA.BALLA3@GMAIL.COM
Praise The Lord sister,
i can understand your problem,because i am also a single parent of 4 yr old boy.so i can understand how you feel when you can't help u r daughter in that stage.but trust in our "LORD" who is in our side now.our complete family is with him now.please tell your daughetr that she has a great daddy always watching her from above,and invisibly living with her.Thank you.
if you want to talk to me and want to share more u r problems and feelings please remeber me.i will give you my blog address.
christian mothers-creators of new heaven on this world
GOD BLESS YOU.
Thank you so much...I pray her dad will see the light, but I am so thankful that our Heavenly Father is watching out for the children. May the Lord be with you as well.
_____________________________
Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
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RE: HELP!!! Need sound advice!!! - 7/29/2010 2:29:53 PM
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dzehm007
Posts: 125
Joined: 7/27/2010
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I do hope and pray her dad will play role in her life as well. He is still her father and she is still his daughter.
_____________________________
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. -Isaiah 40:31
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RE: HELP!!! Need sound advice!!! - 8/11/2010 12:41:59 PM
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AppleofGodseye
Posts: 56
Joined: 6/16/2005
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quote: bolt
quote:
When you have to implement a consiquence, she can be angry, but you can be sympathetic, saying, "I know. The consiquence sucks. I wish you hadn't made that choice too. I didn't want to have to ground you / take your stuff away / cancel a fun activity... whatever. I really want you to have the most fun life I can give you. I didn't choose <whatever>. You did. And I hope you won't do it often. It's not fun for either of us, when I need to take actions like this."
I agree with this mainly because I think it is going to bring up a conversation that may need to be addressed in her eyes [consequences to actions and she may be wondering about the consequences that her dad may receive for his actions - just saying this method will instill something in her about actions and consequences. She didn't like/appreciate what has happened to her family and now she has to deal with the consequences of someone else's choice. [A Life lesson.  ]
re: cleaning up. A long, but short story.  How the Lord dealt with me. I had parents in the home, but my room was my business, as a teen/young lady - clean-up behind yourself, right. Well, I beleived in waiting until "Saturday" - and pile up thru the week. So guess what happens when you have surprise visitors - you have to clean-up in a hurry. [The very short version] I'm just saying, some methods do straighten you up. [Invite some of her peers over - not to see a mess, no. Just wondering if she is allowed to have friends over, then she may want to, without being told on a regular basis, to clean up on her own.] 
Also, it is not my business to ask how are you coping as well?
In my curiosity, I question what is it she is seeing in you? your attitude when you think she is not watching, your ambiance/aura - i.e., what are you giving off. [I don't mean anything is your fault - this is not about blame. I only mention this because atmosphere, kids are sensitive to it/pick up on it.  [Does she see you cry or that you have puffy eyes? It can cause a kid to feel frustrated because they can't do anything about it. Then again, you could probably be the most positive person and still not get the results you think you should have.] It would just be a good place of conversation - for the two of you. [How the 2 of you can cope together now with the pain of what has happened to you both, not just her, not just you.]
I don't know how long it has been or any of the details and because of age there are just certain things you probably feel you cannot talk about. The Wounds do need to be addressed. Covering it up or pretending like it shouldn't hurt only makes the atmosphee like walking on eggshells i.e., as with any other little thing/argument, etc. [In fact, I think by discussing it - you won't let it become a THING/a giant in the home, the big ugly monster of "Dad is no longer here"  - but we are here and this is our life and we are going to make the most of it.
I love the suggestions listed above [didn't want to quote them all], counseling, other peer group functions, etc. [in which she will learn to develop and appreciate herself, her life, her mom - that has stuck with her, and a lot of other things more instead of dwelling on the negativity of life.] [P.S. - depression shows up in different forms/signs - it's where one feels weighed down, sluggish, don't want to do anything, don't care about anything, etc. Of course, it goes deeper than that, but I'm sure you've heard from a professional, so no need to go further on the topic.]
I will remember you in prayer. God bless you!  Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Continue to cast ALL (not just some) of your cares upon Him. [this is a great place to release some  of those burdens - your brothers and sisters in Christ are here for you. God gives wisdom through whomsoever or whatsoever He chooses. Sometimes we are so frustrated we can't hear the voice of the Lord for ourselves - and in here some people have had similar experiences and have a word from the Lord on the same situation]
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RE: HELP!!! Need sound advice!!! - 8/11/2010 1:27:36 PM
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Gabby777
Posts: 193
Joined: 7/9/2010
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ty apple...i agree with your suggestions and have done some of them and have failed in the not crying in front of her bc I am heart broken...but I am btr than I was...I claim the Word.
_____________________________
Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
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RE: HELP!!! Need sound advice!!! - 8/11/2010 1:30:08 PM
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Hey_mom
Posts: 127
Joined: 5/2/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: VanDuzer
quote:
Her life has been devasted - you lost your husband but she's lost everything but you
quote:
Keep loving her, keep talking to her, keep letting her talk about how she feels. She's been rejected by her father
Yes, it's difficult (perhaps devastating)....but, it's really a pretty common event. But, the biggest source of the difficulty is what I'm talking about above - sexuality and the Big Media. Young women are conditioned and programmed day after day after day, that their validity as a human being comes from male attention.
I will even propose that that concept is so ingrained in many of you ladies, that you don't even recognize it. She hasn't lost everything!!!!! In fact, to place Gabby at the end of the sentence phrasing it as, "but you", is condescending from my perspective. I'm not just being dramatic! As a man, my mother is "everything" to me. She is a source of validation, however men have the luxury to find that in many other areas - and are in fact conditioned to do so. However, for women it's about being a size 1, on the cover of Vogue, or the "chick" in the music video that men are oogling and whistling at. Stated simply, women's viability in our society is dependent on male acceptance of them. They are conditioned to be objects for males. So YES, it is difficult and perhaps devastating, but for all the wrong reasons.
I beg to differ with you here, brother. A father is a girl's first role model with how her future husband should treat her. Having her father's attention, love, and admiration gives a girl more self-esteem than any other factor, including her mother's love. The reason you see so much dysfunction and chaos in women's lives is not that they have put too much energy into being with men, it's because their daddies have not created strong women by being there and showing them love and care from birth!
It is especially important for daddies to "date" their daughters as they get older - and into puberty. This is when the dad can really set the girl up for a happy and strong marriage, or let her flail and falter and lose herself trying to find her Daddy's attention in men. Women who have had strong fatherly attention do NOT have pre-marital sex, do not get STDs and do not have abortions.
Any girl who doesn't have a father in the home needs male role models, of course we have to screen them to be sure she isn't taken advantage of. But it is essential to her self-image that she has a male who adores her enough to teach her what God wants for her life (not pre-marital sex).
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"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
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RE: HELP!!! Need sound advice!!! - 8/11/2010 5:49:13 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2740
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Gabby777
I have told him that she is seeing what he is doing (having another woman while still married) <>...I also wanted him to give her a purity ring now I am trying to decide whether I should do it or maybe my pastor...idk...
She is young but she's not dumb - she knows her dad has blown his marriage and she may be aware of his sexual impurity. He's the last person I'd want to give her a purity ring, so that it wouldn't be a sick joke in her mind.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: HELP!!! Need sound advice!!! - 8/12/2010 10:07:55 AM
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Gabby777
Posts: 193
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
quote:
ORIGINAL: Gabby777
I have told him that she is seeing what he is doing (having another woman while still married) <>...I also wanted him to give her a purity ring now I am trying to decide whether I should do it or maybe my pastor...idk...
She is young but she's not dumb - she knows her dad has blown his marriage and she may be aware of his sexual impurity. He's the last person I'd want to give her a purity ring, so that it wouldn't be a sick joke in her mind.
Stated very direct, but definitely a good point...hmmm
_____________________________
Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
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RE: HELP!!! Need sound advice!!! - 8/15/2010 6:22:26 PM
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freetobehis
Posts: 57
Joined: 7/29/2010
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Gabby, I feel so bad for you. I have gone through this as well, years ago, only I had 3 sons instead of a daughter. It was devastating for me and for them. It sounds to me like you are doing the right things. You are loving her, talking to her and seeking advice. Let her know that you understand that her life is turned upside down and that yours is as well. Ask her, How can we help each other through this? Let her know that you need her without giving her the idea that you are dependant on her and that you are there for her and won't be going anywhere, no matter what.
I made a huge mistake when I went through it and went off the deep end for about a year and did the party thing. So not me and so distructive to my sons. I and they paid a high price for my foolishness. Please don't let this happen to you.
On the practical side, I agree with bolt. Put the ball in her court. For one thing its a lot easier not to get into a shouting match by doing it this way. But it also helps her to see that life is about choices, her choices.
And lastly, pick your battles. There can tend to be a lot of them and in the scheme of things...most of them aren't worth getting upset over.
I will pray for you Gabby, knowing that this will be one of the hardest things you ever go through. You will get through it though. Just cling to God!
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RE: HELP!!! Need sound advice!!! - 8/17/2010 10:14:36 AM
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Gabby777
Posts: 193
Joined: 7/9/2010
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quote:
ORIGINAL: freetobehis
Gabby, I feel so bad for you. I have gone through this as well, years ago, only I had 3 sons instead of a daughter. It was devastating for me and for them. It sounds to me like you are doing the right things. You are loving her, talking to her and seeking advice. Let her know that you understand that her life is turned upside down and that yours is as well. Ask her, How can we help each other through this? Let her know that you need her without giving her the idea that you are dependant on her and that you are there for her and won't be going anywhere, no matter what.
I made a huge mistake when I went through it and went off the deep end for about a year and did the party thing. So not me and so distructive to my sons. I and they paid a high price for my foolishness. Please don't let this happen to you.
On the practical side, I agree with bolt. Put the ball in her court. For one thing its a lot easier not to get into a shouting match by doing it this way. But it also helps her to see that life is about choices, her choices.
And lastly, pick your battles. There can tend to be a lot of them and in the scheme of things...most of them aren't worth getting upset over.
I will pray for you Gabby, knowing that this will be one of the hardest things you ever go through. You will get through it though. Just cling to God!
I will definitely cling to God...thank you so much.
_____________________________
Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
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RE: HELP!!! Need sound advice!!! - 9/3/2010 10:47:43 PM
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strengthofmyheart
Posts: 50
Joined: 8/9/2010
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Eleven years old is a tough age anyways, so your daughter is very vulnerable right now. I was once an extremely rebellious teenager who ran away 15 times by the time I was 15 (and one time I was gone for five months), and I am now a teacher who has been called by God to work with troubled teens. If there is one thing I have learned in my 12 years of teaching, is this must be approached as a spiritual matter. Remember, our battles are not flesh vs. flesh but against principalities and powers of darkness (Eph. 6). The only way you can conquer a battle is through prayer and focus on God. Here is my advice based on my experiences:
1. Pray daily for your daughter; don't let time rob you of the opportunity to pray for your daughter
2. Ask other prayer warriors to pray for your daughter
3. Consider fasting on behalf of your daughter. Remember, Jesus himself said that some battles can be won through prayer, but some must be won through fasting. And fasting doesn't have to be not eating. It means giving up something that you enjoy, something that you do on a regular basis, and replacing the time you normally spent with that activity with time with God. Do this for 30 days and see what God does in your lives.
4. Go to church regularly with your daughter; no exceptions. You both need the spirtual fellowship and support.
5. See if you can get your daughter involved with a youth group, a sports activity, or another activity that meets regularly. She needs to feel good about herself, and being involved in a group activity on a regular basis will help tremendously in this area.
6. Have your daughter meet regularly with a counselor, but make sure the counselor is a Christian (truly a Christian, not just someone who believes in God). You want her to receive bliblical counseling, and a good, godly counselor will also pray for your daughter and your family.
7. Your daughter also probably feels abandoned and rejected by your hubby. She needs to feel accepted. . .a lot of teens struggle with this. At the very least, you can help her feel accepted by making sure you eat at least one meal together every day, and go on a mother-daughter activity at least once every two weeks. Go on a hike, go on a picnic, go horse riding, go to a movie, etc. The idea is to spend at least two hours together one-on-one. . .without cell phones or other friends around.
8. Know that you also need support. Join a women's Bible study, regularly visit a Chrisitan counselor, and ask other women prayer warriors to pray for you.
Finally, when it comes to communicating with your daughter, I would encourage you to follow these basic rules/ideas:
1. Don't argue with your daughter, ever. If she begins to argue, stop the conversation by saying, "Time out. We need to talk when we both can talk without arguing. Let's take a 30 minute break and continue this conversation then."
2. If you two are disagreeing, then pray TOGETHER before you talk. When you invite God to join your conversation, it's amazing what happens.
3. Compliment your daughter at least once a day. . .on character, on clothes, on activites, etc.
4. Read Stormie Omartin's "Power of a Praying Parent" for 30 days straight and without ceasing. If you dare, pray the prayers that she writes after each section out loud with your daughter next to you. I guarantee a change in the behavior of your daughter if you do this. I have given this advice to many parents and every single parent who actually did this (read the book for 30 days straight and prayed the prayers over their children) saw a HUGE change in their children as well as in themselves.
5. IF you have a particularly touchy subject to approach with your daughter, consider typing it on the computer rather than talking with her face-to-face. Then ask her to read your note and respond to it by typing a response to you. After you receive her response, sit down together and discuss it face-to-face.
If you want more ideas or have questions, please send me a private message. You and your daughter are in my prayers, and I would love to support and encourage you both during this difficult time. Remember, God is bigger than all of this, and He has promised to never leave nor forsake you.
_____________________________
How can I NOT be filled with joy when the Author of my salvation has blessed me yet AGAIN with the breath of life???
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